Guests, Customers, Shoppers: OH MY!

If you work in retail… people that shop at your store can go by many different “names”: Guests, Customers, Shoppers, Assholes, Idiots and the list goes on and on.

Going into the holiday season, I’d like to examine the different types of “people” you will encounter through your retail work experience.

1. The Quintessential Shopper.

This shopper is like the Bigfoot and the Lochness Monster of shoppers. Very very rarely will you ever meet or help one, but when you do, it will brighten your day. These types will not get mad if something is out of stock. They understand other people are shopping for the exact same hot toy just 2 days before Christmas or it’s 8 hours into Black Friday and realize.. Ya.. that 100$ 60 inch TV probably still isn’t here. They will thank you over and over for any type of help.  These are the people that fill out 4’s on the survey’s because they think it will help with them winning the 1,000$ survey.  A rarity in the retail world.

 

2. The “I Hate My Life So I’ll Take It Out On You” Shopper

We’ve all met this candid, vocal bitch. Nothing you can do will make a difference. They are there to make your life hell. They will claim the store is stealing from them if you can’t return the item. O really? Because I wrote the rules on the return policy? It’s called reading people. Maybe if you graduated high school you’d understand that.  These guests make up roughly 75% of all shoppers. That may be low balling it too.  If you work long enough, you can spot them a mile away.  To combat them, use big  words they won’t understand, keep repeating it’s corporates choices and rules and not to take it out on you. And if all else fails and they won’t shut up. Call the cops and watch the hilarity ensue. Trust me.

 

3. The “I never should be allowed to have kids” Shopper

We’ve all seen this 3rd and final one. The ones that let their kids run around the store amuck. Mess up the zone. Throw stuff on the floor. Piss in the fitting rooms and expect us to clean it up. Lose their child and force us to look for it in a panic otherwise we get sued for their stupidity. We applaud you bad mothers and some fathers.  It takes alot to look like a clown in public, but they do it easily. And kids on leashes? Don’t get me started. These shoppers go crazy during 4th Quarter time, can’t control their kid crying and could care less their kid is screaming at the top of their lungs for 25 minutes straight.

 

We all know their are many more types and I will cover those in a few later posts, but best of luck dealing with these souls that have no saving.

Is This Your Boss?

The G.O.A.T (Greatest Of All Time)

Ever walk into work and say to yourself…”Hey, I could do what they do. No problem.” Believe me. I do every day and I believe you do too.

Having a boss is something 99.9% of all of us will have in our life, whether we like it or not. It’s like taxes. They don’t stop til death.. or til they drive you to your death and I am sure we all have had a boss that has done that (or for those 99%’ers that read my blog, keep leaching off the government, don’t mind me)
So what makes a good boss? Funny? Rude? Smart? Hard-worker? I’ve had my fair share of bosses in the short time of working retail and let me say I’ve seen each end of the spectrum.

Let’s start with the far left side. We’ll call this boss

The Donald

“The Donald”- Also goes by “jackass” “The Terminator” etc, etc.  This was my first time of having a boss. Get the job done perfect or better than perfect, otherwise it’s out the door… or in true Donald form… “You’re fired.”

Now I didn’t hate this boss, I actually enjoyed working for them because they held me accountable to my work…or so they thought. However, there were many times where they just had their head so far shoved up their ass, it was unbearable.

To deal with “The Donald’s” of the world, there are a few simple rules you must follow. Well, mainly just one.

1. Lie.Lie. And when you think you can’t Lie anymore. Lie.  These bosses will often not follow up on deadlines, but just ask if they are done and hope to see the results. In the line of retail especially, you can lie your way around basically everything this side of the sun.  In the words of my favorite philosopher George Costanza…

This is beyond true and trust me. The Donald boss I had bought every bit. That is until month’s later after I left, the lie’s became very relevant and noticeable. But that was because I wasn’t there to lie and cover up. Sorry about those newbies after me.

The next boss you may encounter is the one below.

That’s what she said

Funny? Check. Creative? Check. Smart? Eh. Not so much.  I’ve also in my time in retail had a boss like this and needless to say, I loved them..up to a point.  Sure, they are great. Give you whatever time you want off, make work fun, but at times have no accountability when the shit hits the fan. They approve of times like these

So you are probably asking? What’s wrong with this type? Well, they can’t truly manage or run anything so you end up doing all their work, then they take the credit…in front of your district manager, though I bet nothing like that has ever happened to anyone… Moving on.

The third and final boss we will share is the G.O.A.T (although one is closing in on him i.m.o (Mr. “I changed the internet forever” Mark Zuckerberg )

No. Not Mr. Facebook. We are talking about the late, Mr. Steve Jobs.  Jobs would be the quintessential boss for me. (I’ll give you a minute to google that large word of the day).  He was driven. He was smarter than everyone. He was a perfectionist. He chastised his employees. He recognized the hell out of his employees. He put in more hours and time than anyone and could motivate every single person to believe in a simple idea.

He created PIXAR. He created Apple. He is the G.O.A.T when it comes to bosses and everyone should dream to have one day a boss like Steve Jobs.

Will I ever have a boss that great? Probably not. Hell, I’d take one that actually leads by example… that is unless that example is awful. And by golly, do I have some awful example leaders.

On that note, I leave you with this.

Do I have your attention? I hope so, because what follows will be a ride.
Which will probably end like this…

“Time to lawyer up”

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